If Boston isn’t Titletown Bruce Wayne isn’t Batman

I recognize these trophies for some reason. Did a local team win one recently or soemthing?

I’ve been meaning to write about this for a while but thanks to Barstool Sports I’ve actually decided to write it. Boston has won 6 rings this decade. Thats enough to win right there. I don’t give a shit how good your high school sports might be, because its fucking high school. Everett won a whole bunch of state championships for football but you know what, if they didn’t win somebody else in the state would, so how can that be considered on a national level as a contender for Titletown. I just don’t see state championships as important as NBA championships, World Series, and the god damn biggest sporting event in the world, the Super Bowl. But guess what? Boston has won all of those things I just mentioned, and has won some sort of championship 6 times this century. The Duck Boats are running out of gas from all these parades and you’re holding a contest to determine who Titletown USA is?

ESPN’s Titletown is the stupidest contest to date. I couldnt agree with Barstool more when they say, “Frankly it’s a slap in the face to all Bostonians that they are even doing this dumb ass contest in the first place. ” I wouldn’t even be so mad if they had limited it to like 5 other cities, but giving all these high school and college areas recognition is just insulting. Winning a high school state tournament gets the same amount of respect on a national level as you get for being the best team in major league soccer. By the way, year after year the New England Revolution are the best team and then lose in the championship game, just mentioning that in relation to high school sports I don’t think it should count towards titletown but neither should a state championship. They should have held a contest to see who could live in Boston’s shadow and get made fun of by the cynical sarcastic assholes that live here the least.

Detroit makes a good case for titletown, the Pistons are nasty (lost to the nastier Celtics), the Tigers are nasty (they’re no first-place-without-papi-Red Sox though), the Redwings just won Lord Stanley’s cup, and hell even the Lions could make a run at mediocrity this year. But the point of the contest is TITLES. They won one title this year and good for them because I don’t know if I could bear seeing a bunch of bandwagon Bruins fans spring up from the racks of Modells. If you want to say New York is titletown eat a dick. The Yankees haven’t won shit this decade. The Giants play in New Jersey…not only is that not NYC, its not even the same fucking state. If you wanted to make a case for Jesey because of those Giants and then the Devils winning the cup twice this decade…sorry 3 is still less than 6 and baseball, basketball, football all hold more weight than hockey in today’s day and age. You want to talk about Rutgers and shit, they had a nice little surge recently and won some games in football and women’s bball? Okay well BC hockey won the national title this year and BC football has the longest active bowl win streak so shut up.

I just do not see how the hell you can say anybody else deserves to win this contest. The only argument I would accept on any city’s behalf is that Green Bay has always been known as Titletown and you can’t take a name like that away from them. For that I blame ESPN because they rightfully knew that nickname and could have came up with something else including any of the following words: champions, winners, best, trophy. Then take one of those words and slap -town or -ville on the end and you don’t step on Green Bay’s toes because God knows they aren’t winning it. But taking that name away from them is like saying fuck Boston and that Chestnut Hill, Tennessee is now going to be nationally recognized as Beantown because Bush’s beans are made there. Its just unnecessary to take away a city’s nickname when you could have just made something else up. Which gets me back to the point that the contest never should have been held in the first place.

If Boston doesn’t win this then somebody should be fired at ESPN.

Believe that.

A Boston Fan

ESPYs and Justin Fucking Timberlake

Great choice in an ESPY host. His “thats why i love sports” performance was amazing. I almost cried when he came out as captain paul mvp pierce with ray ray and kg on his hands as puppets. I DVRd the whole show and I’ve watched that one performance like 20 times, and I get to fastforward through all the Giants shit (I’ll take 18-1, World Series, NBA finals, and next years superbowl gladly though…someone else can have one now and then).

Dueling Grills

I had this idea one day that I needed to have a barbecue. i don’t wanna be ordinary though when I throw this bbq, so I strapped a theme onto it. Its going to be like an iron chef-type competition where me and Rooney are

i wish i had a grill like this

pitted against each other as captains of our teams with 4 sous chefs. Then on competition day the carefully selected unbias panel of judges will present a secret ingredient that must be used in the grill-off. We get to choose the rest of our ingredients and he’s using pineapple for his kabobs (dick) I’m going to marinate everything in booze.

Dont forget about the littler boxes

Check out this page if you haven’t already. Its called the Littler Boxes and I update it more often. Its my ideas and thoughts and websites i find on a smaller scale. kinda like my aim profile on steroids.

Flavors of the Week 7.20.08

Babe:Heidi Watney from NESN. Bitch is smookin hot and blonde, i always hated hazel mae anywho.

NESN done a good job with this one.

Song: Maybach Music by Ricky Ross ft. Jay-Z

Movie: u serious? If you haven’t seen the Dark Knight yet don’t come back to the blog until you do. According to Perezhilton.com, “The Dark Knight took in $155.34 million Fri-Sun.” Which beats spidey for the best comic book movie opening at the box office ever. A tell-all story will be posted in the near future analyzing stupid little things about the film and praising Heath Ledger for the role he gave his life for.

Random youtube video: Lebron tells his mom to “sit yo ass down” during the playoffs against the world champion boston celtics

A couple things about Dunks

America really does run on Dunkin. In the past few months Wakefield, Ma has gone from having 2 Dunks to having 4…with another new one about 100 feet outside the town limits. With this rapid expansion of an already thriving franchise I want to just point out some of the shit that pisses me off about those fuckers.

Thing #1 that pisses me off about Dunkin Donuts: The “reduced carb bagel”. Which is really just an advertising ploy to attract Atkins-friendly people to buy bagels, which are pretty much all carbs anyways. The thing about this bagel is that its covered in cheese…and its absolutely delicious. I can’t bring myself to order it because it sounds way too gay to order anything reduced carb. I’ve actually only gotten it a few times and everytime i do get it i look around and make sure nobody hears me, then i whisper it to the cashier, get it with the strawberry cream cheese and it is soo good.

Thing #2: Those “bases loaded” pull and play things on iced coffees.They just get soaking wet and u cant even pull them away from the cup after 2 seconds. Which leads me into the 3rd thing i hate about DD.

Thing #3: When a cup of iced coffee sweats and turns your cupholder into a puddle…and if you don’t have a cupholder and you’re holding it between your legs you think you peed.

Thing #4: Joba Chamberlain (pitcher, new york yankees). It has been brought to my attention that Joba is the spokesperson for the “Bases Loaded” campaign in New York. At first I didn’t give a shit because its a national company, but they were started in Boston and pretend to be gung-ho red sox. Stop putting on a facade Dunks….sell outs.

Thing #5: Flatbread sangwiches and pizzas. I’ve been opposed to this shit since day one. They came out at the same time as the hash browns and I just think it was too much too fast. Some people like the flatbreads but i’ve never heard of someone liking the pizza. The hashbrowns are a good idea, its a breakfast place…I just don’t like them. The pizzas are dumb. Thats all I have to say about that.

Thing #6: When I order my coffee with milk and sugar and they give me cream and sugar.

Thing #7: I am truly addicted to iced coffee. Can’t start my day without it…and it sucks to have to do that.

Don’t get me wrong because I love DD. I just don’t like these certain things and a few others.

Feel me.

Crob

Mine eyes have seen the glory

I have this thing about retiring t-shirts when they have past their prime. Once it is retired i put it in a box and throw the bitch in the attic or give it to good will…but i don’t wear it again. There is this one shirt that i’ve had for a while, since like 8th grade maybe, christmas present come to think of it…a gray reg’lar ass t shirt from Abercrombie that says JOKER in red letters over the chest. Its so comfortable but i feel like ive just worn it out and some big event needs to set in to retire this thing.

With that being said, I saw a sneak peak of Batman The Dark Knight tonight. And it rocked my socks. I was

Joker face with a batman smile...thats art.

befuddled. I was amazed. But most importantly…i was 2 days ahead of when i thought i was going to see it. See i got a call from an unnamed associate that Jordans furniture employees got to see a screening and i  could sneak in with a little help. So i did.

It was time sensitive so I had to be at the IMAX theatre in like 8 minutes after i received this anonymous tip. At first I contemplated not going because me and rooney already had jerseys on to attend a “players and cheerleaders” party or some shit. Then my brother chimed in from his bedroom “its like 4 minutes down the road you’re a fucking idiot if you dont at least try” and he was right. I was anticipating this movie more than any other movie in my life. More than toy story, toy story 2 (a 3 is actually in the making), spiderman 2, 3, harry potters, xmen, superbad (which i also lucked into a premiere…how i dont really remember), any of the oceans movies, austin powers…more than anything. Then the studio gives you  7 minutes of the movie before I am Legend (we got there 5 minutes late but i didnt worry cuz i had already seen it). Then  Then Heath Ledger up and croaks. So now i have an opportunity to see this shit 2 days in advance and i fuckin did it on a whim.

I’d give a review of the movie but i dont want to ruin it for anyone.

I will say 3 things about it now though :

1. maggie gillenhaal is no katie holmes…shes a good actress but ugly as sin.
2. see the damn movie
3. Its come a long way since this

Oh yeah and then after we saw the movie i took off my jersey and realized what i had on as an undershirt. Wouldn’t you know it my goddamn a&f JOKER found his way into the movie too… maybe he found the perfect way to retire or maybe he could just live on in infamy…i dunno it was unintentional and its a damn comfy shirt so i dont think i have to retire him just yet.

Wow its 3:27am and i’m still running on adrenaline from seein that movie.

Chris The Joker

I got some sweet pedals at Schwinn…and then

Check out the new part of the site Daily Blurbs.

Back before I bought my candy apple blue Haro Nyquist bmx bike with a 3 piece crank and a gyro which took more beatings than a geek at football tryouts(thats right, a geek, use throwback insults from now on…you won’t) I built bikes from what I found at yard sales and shit. I’d buy a couple part bikes for like 5-20 bucks and piece them all together to make 2 or 3 rideable bikes. Of course, making one superior to the rest …the prototype. I had finally built my perfect BMX bike to take to the wakefield track (this is not a story about the track…that is to come at a later date) but the bike needed one more thing.

That one thing was metal pedals that would dig into your shins so hard and cut so deep that you had to wear shin guards if you were doing serious riding. And guess what, I was a fearless 7th grader and as soon as school was out all i wanted to do was ride that fuckin bike so I got the shin guards now I just needed the metal pedals. Afterall, I couldnt be using the titanium three piece crank I bought off a kid with plastic pedals, thats just fucked up. How could you even think that I would ride that…with a 3 piece crank?

So I set off for Schwinn one day. The main street location, not the friendly spot over on Albion. Schwinn was a great little bike shop until they moved it. Almost as if they sold out or went commercial, but anyway I digress. I was there for my goddamn pedals; dyno, chrome, ballin. A couple bike engineers or whathaveyou helped me pick out the perfect pair and helped fasten them to the beautiful frankenstein masterpiece that I had slaved over ever since my last report card when I got a couple A’s and my mom said she’d fuel my bike habbit.

Now its time to go test out these pups and kick it around wakefield maybe even make my way over to the track later on that day. I rode up main street towards Greenwood and then turned around by JJ round. I start pedaling and pedaling then i easily j-hop up the first curb that I pass. I even pull back on a wheelie and spin the bars in celebration…then I pedal harder and try to go higher over the next curb. But motherfucker this one was like 2 feet higher and I jumped 3 inches lower. I fuckin blew it, flew right over the handlebars crushed my face off the sidewalk, landed on my hip, then dragged my exposed knee over the rigid blacktop. As I felt the hot pain come over me I looked up and then across the street. Through the searing pain I could see a store. Then I made out some faces inside the store, they were staring at me. Oh, Shit the store was Schwinn and the people who I could see? yeah, they were the guys who just listened to me brag about my bike for 20 minutes. I gave them a quick wave pretending like I was okay and they laughed hysterically at me. I felt like such a doofus (notice the retro insult…i’m tellin you. its gold).

This lady came out and helped wipe the blood off my face, knee, upper leg (not  the shins cuz I had my one guard on even though I didn’t wear a helmet), and elbows. And then she got the hose and sprayed my blood off her walkway before she called my mom. I couldn’t walk or anything but then mommadukes gets there and makes me walk down the block holding onto my bike. I don’t know why she did that, probably torture for being an idiot on my bicycle, maybe punishment for mouthing off earlier on in the day, but dammit that hurt and I wanted to kill her for not letting me just go home and bitch about what just happened.

Oh yeah, the bike was fine. I still have the facecloth the lady gave me to wipe my blood. Its bright orange and I use it sometimes, it reminds me of when bikes were the most important thing in my life. A greased chain and pumped up tires made my life perfect back then and that was sweet. I’m thinking about busting out the old haro and heading to the track someday.

Schadenfreud.

C

I started writing my book today

Since I don’t have a job I figured I’d do something productive with my life. I’ve always wanted to write a book and now I’m actually going to do it. I’m not revealing any details yet but eventually I will.

–CR

I survived my birthday at Mac’s Two (revisited)

Editor’s Note: This is an old story from my old blog. For those of you that have followed it from the beginning I’ll have a new one soon don’t worry. For those of you that haven’t seen this one before enjoy it.

Its been long enough since my birthday that I can finally write about the horrific events that went down without vomiting all over my computer.

Every year I try to think of something to do on my birthday that will just make it the best day ever. This year I decided we’d go to the strip club at like 1 in the afternoon. Mac’s Two, the seedy 18+ strip club that every guy around here has gone to at least once just for the experience. Turns out nobody was on time, so we wound up there at 4, still got the matinee prices for moderate to disgusting girls.  We took the drive there and inhibited our state of mind on the way. By the time we got there we were all really thirsty for some reason.

We walk in and everyone in the place turns to look at us because, well, there were only 3 people in there besides the girls. Everyone goes to the bar and exchanges their bigger bills for ones and gets the mandatory 5 dollar can of soda and we head to the stage.  We sit five in a row, TRMD, Me, ABlaZe, Macca, and Sly. Every girl that comes up on stage me and TRMD have to find something wrong with her and point it out…loudly. First girl to dance was smokin hot and she came around puttin her boobies in everyones face, but for some reason after she did it to me she made a purring sound in my ear and i couldnt help but laugh at her, needless to say she didnt put her boobies in my face again. A couple more girls dance for us and they were pretty good looking, my favorite was this spanish little sex kitten. Sly disappears for a little bit, comes back and asks me for my ID, brings it to the “DJ booth” and comes back with it a minute later. So I realize that they’re gonna do something for my birthday and I start to get a little excited. Usually they bring the guy up on stage and he gets a free lapdance, so I start looking around for my ideal girl. A nice busty blonde, a petitte  brunette, i don’t know its not my choice so I just let destiny take over (i bet there was a girl in there named destiny).

Then this guy sits on the other side of the stage from us, has to be in his 30s or 40s and he is absolutely hammered, its now 4:45 in the afternoon and this guy looks like hes been going strong since mid-morning. The thing is that he is sitting with the biggest stripper i have ever seen: 6-6 easily 3 hundo. He starts handing this girl wads of ones and she keeps throwing them on stage to her “co-worker”. This guy is trying to get on stage and dance with the girl, absolutely hilarious. Someone goes, “Does that guys mom know he got out of the basement?” We all laugh and eveyrone in the place looks at us. Then the spanish sex kitten’s song ends and she gets off stage.

Who comes on stage next? Thats right, fatty mcgee. Sly and Macca make a b-line for the bathroom mumbling something about phone calls that they both have to make at that specific point in time.  Me, TRMD, and ABlaZe are sitting there embarrassed for this girl so much that we all put dollars up for her so she doesn’t eat us. TRMD insists that I take my dollar back because it was my birthday and I didnt need to waste it on her. At the exact moment that I took my dollar back we hear the microphone kick on and the DJ says, “Alright everybody lets hear it for Chris its his birthday today, Chris get up on stage”.  I freeze. I don’t want to go on stage, I look to the door. I could probably run to it before anyone notices that I am in fact the Chris that they are speaking of.

Instead I go up there and accept my humiliation, because afterall i get a free t-shirt out of the deal. So this mammoth mounts me on the chair and starts trying to act sexy but it just looks like shes suffering from hunger pains. She is trying to talk to me but all I can focus on is not laughing in her face and more importantly not throwing up.  The whole time TRMD is yelling obscene things at this poor girl making her feel even worse about her life, and trying to get me to laugh at her. She takes my hat from me and puts it on her head, all I can see is the sweat beading off her face and I almost don’t want to take the hat back at the end. Its a new hat so I decide that I can always wash it. She mounts me again and I swear I held the vomit back with all the willpower I have. Luckily, I never had to worry about poppin a boner on stage.

What seems like an hour passes and I hear the DJ’s mic kick back on, i swear it was the voice of an angel when he says, “Okay…all set”.

I jump off stage, grab my hat from that whore and get the fuck out of there. It turns out that Macca and Sly missed pretty much the whole thing because of their “phone calls”. I was irate, yelling about how I will never go back there in my life and that it was the worst experience I have ever had. Oh well, on my next birthday we can go to a real 21+ strip club, I’m thinkin the bananna and their million dollar renovation. We get to the car and I take out my free shirt and read the all-telling phrase on it: “I survived my birthday at Mac’s Two.”

Schadenfreude (n.)- Satisfaction of pleasure felt at someone else’s misfortune.

Hope you enjoyed this shit,

Robbs