I started writing my book today

Since I don’t have a job I figured I’d do something productive with my life. I’ve always wanted to write a book and now I’m actually going to do it. I’m not revealing any details yet but eventually I will.

–CR

I survived my birthday at Mac’s Two (revisited)

Editor’s Note: This is an old story from my old blog. For those of you that have followed it from the beginning I’ll have a new one soon don’t worry. For those of you that haven’t seen this one before enjoy it.

Its been long enough since my birthday that I can finally write about the horrific events that went down without vomiting all over my computer.

Every year I try to think of something to do on my birthday that will just make it the best day ever. This year I decided we’d go to the strip club at like 1 in the afternoon. Mac’s Two, the seedy 18+ strip club that every guy around here has gone to at least once just for the experience. Turns out nobody was on time, so we wound up there at 4, still got the matinee prices for moderate to disgusting girls.  We took the drive there and inhibited our state of mind on the way. By the time we got there we were all really thirsty for some reason.

We walk in and everyone in the place turns to look at us because, well, there were only 3 people in there besides the girls. Everyone goes to the bar and exchanges their bigger bills for ones and gets the mandatory 5 dollar can of soda and we head to the stage.  We sit five in a row, TRMD, Me, ABlaZe, Macca, and Sly. Every girl that comes up on stage me and TRMD have to find something wrong with her and point it out…loudly. First girl to dance was smokin hot and she came around puttin her boobies in everyones face, but for some reason after she did it to me she made a purring sound in my ear and i couldnt help but laugh at her, needless to say she didnt put her boobies in my face again. A couple more girls dance for us and they were pretty good looking, my favorite was this spanish little sex kitten. Sly disappears for a little bit, comes back and asks me for my ID, brings it to the “DJ booth” and comes back with it a minute later. So I realize that they’re gonna do something for my birthday and I start to get a little excited. Usually they bring the guy up on stage and he gets a free lapdance, so I start looking around for my ideal girl. A nice busty blonde, a petitte  brunette, i don’t know its not my choice so I just let destiny take over (i bet there was a girl in there named destiny).

Then this guy sits on the other side of the stage from us, has to be in his 30s or 40s and he is absolutely hammered, its now 4:45 in the afternoon and this guy looks like hes been going strong since mid-morning. The thing is that he is sitting with the biggest stripper i have ever seen: 6-6 easily 3 hundo. He starts handing this girl wads of ones and she keeps throwing them on stage to her “co-worker”. This guy is trying to get on stage and dance with the girl, absolutely hilarious. Someone goes, “Does that guys mom know he got out of the basement?” We all laugh and eveyrone in the place looks at us. Then the spanish sex kitten’s song ends and she gets off stage.

Who comes on stage next? Thats right, fatty mcgee. Sly and Macca make a b-line for the bathroom mumbling something about phone calls that they both have to make at that specific point in time.  Me, TRMD, and ABlaZe are sitting there embarrassed for this girl so much that we all put dollars up for her so she doesn’t eat us. TRMD insists that I take my dollar back because it was my birthday and I didnt need to waste it on her. At the exact moment that I took my dollar back we hear the microphone kick on and the DJ says, “Alright everybody lets hear it for Chris its his birthday today, Chris get up on stage”.  I freeze. I don’t want to go on stage, I look to the door. I could probably run to it before anyone notices that I am in fact the Chris that they are speaking of.

Instead I go up there and accept my humiliation, because afterall i get a free t-shirt out of the deal. So this mammoth mounts me on the chair and starts trying to act sexy but it just looks like shes suffering from hunger pains. She is trying to talk to me but all I can focus on is not laughing in her face and more importantly not throwing up.  The whole time TRMD is yelling obscene things at this poor girl making her feel even worse about her life, and trying to get me to laugh at her. She takes my hat from me and puts it on her head, all I can see is the sweat beading off her face and I almost don’t want to take the hat back at the end. Its a new hat so I decide that I can always wash it. She mounts me again and I swear I held the vomit back with all the willpower I have. Luckily, I never had to worry about poppin a boner on stage.

What seems like an hour passes and I hear the DJ’s mic kick back on, i swear it was the voice of an angel when he says, “Okay…all set”.

I jump off stage, grab my hat from that whore and get the fuck out of there. It turns out that Macca and Sly missed pretty much the whole thing because of their “phone calls”. I was irate, yelling about how I will never go back there in my life and that it was the worst experience I have ever had. Oh well, on my next birthday we can go to a real 21+ strip club, I’m thinkin the bananna and their million dollar renovation. We get to the car and I take out my free shirt and read the all-telling phrase on it: “I survived my birthday at Mac’s Two.”

Schadenfreude (n.)- Satisfaction of pleasure felt at someone else’s misfortune.

Hope you enjoyed this shit,

Robbs